je suis desole..

“If we shadows have offended, think but this, and all is mended.. Gentles, do not reprehend. If you pardon, we will mend..”

- A Midsummer Night’s Dream

I would be remiss if I didn’t apologize to everyone for having a “bad” day.

Yesterday had me become something of an “emotional chiaroscuro” – a dramatic mess in light and shade. I had been teetering on the verge of a breakdown nearly all of last week, the inconvenience of the storm and all its repercussions refusing to make my week any better. And, while Sundays usually are my solace, the quiet had made me vulnerable to the sudden crash of negative emotions I refused to deal with.

In other words, I cracked.

Understand this: I don’t deal with stress very well. Hmm.. An understatement. Either one of two things occurs: I become deathly quiet or I go overly dramatic. Neither is pretty. As a personal rule, I rarely open up about what bothers me (When it comes to things that I feel are really important, that is.. The “babaw” things I broadcast!). I tend to keep my guard up about the things that really REALLY bother me, and I carefully select who I open up to. Be flattered nalang if ever I share something with you one day. :)

Anyway, halfway through music practice, IT JUST HIT ME. The stress. The decisions I had to make. My lack of direction. My inadequacies. My fears. Somewhere in the middle of practicing “All Around” I just snapped. Not in a Michael Douglas “Falling Down” kind of way, it was more of the creepy, snappy, impatient “Just leave me alone!” sort. Wendy was kind enough to pray for me before the service, and Jose was a comfort to lean on, and by the time worship had begun, I felt much MUCH better (redundancy added for emphasis!).

The funny thing about being cranky is that you don’t always know it when you are. I thank God that He blessed Marj and Diane with the patience to put up with me all throughout the day..

I’m writing this now because I feel horrible knowing that I was, well, horrible, to two people who were really nice to me and I think I repaid their kindness with.. something not so kind. Unintentionally, yes, but I was still being a pain in the “hiney.” And it may not even be a big deal to either of them, but the fact that I’m still thinking about it means that it means something to me..

When Wendy approached me after the 7pm service apologizing because she felt she offended me, I was taken aback. Was I that cranky that I gave such a impression so as to make her feel she did something to offend? In truth, she was a blessing to me and I just felt so awful that I made her feel that way. I had to explain that she had NOTHING to do with my disposition that day, and that I just had a terrible, trying, testing week.

Then there’s that little silly “fire escape” incident. Let’s just say I got stuck for a while and, since I do get a little claustrophobic at times, I panicked. (Not to mention the fact that nobody knew where I was and I was quite sure that no one would come looking for me.) I think at that moment all my stress got focused on Jose, who was decent enough to actually try and get me out. I don’t think I made it any better by telling him “You tried to KILL me!” now, did it? That’s a lesson in taming the tongue right there for you.. Forget that your friend actually DID try to help you and instead berate him for being there..

It kills me that I’ve been taking out my frustrations on people who have ZERO to do with why I've been feeling awful.. And there isn’t anything I can do to make up for it, all I can do is say “I’m sorry” and I’ve done that already.

So why do I still feel so bad?


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You may lose your appetite,
Your guiding sense of wrong and right.
You may lose your will to fight,
But you cannot lose my love.

You will lose your confidence.
In times of trial, your common sense.
You may lose your innocence,
But you cannot lose my love.

Many things can be misplaced;
Your very memories be erased.
No matter what the time or space,
You cannot lose my love.

- Sara Groves, You Cannot Lose My Love